Friday joke.....

Ok, on another forum I used to belong to we had a friday joke section....lets see if it catches on....it's Friday here in New Zealand, so I'll get it started.....
Farmers all standing in a bar, bragging how good their dogs are, one boasts my dog is the best of the lot....here, I'll prove it, calls his dog and says
"dog, here's the keys to my truck, go home, boil an egg for 3 minutes, and bring it back, don't forget to close the front gate either, off ya go"
The farmer continues to drink his beer, and 20 minutes later the dog is back, he put's a tea spoon on the counter, along with salt, pepper and a napkin, then lays the keys next to the lot, barks once, which the farmer interprests to onlookers that the gate is closed. The dog then stands on his head.
The farmers all agree that this is indeed the smartest dog, and one asks "Why is he standing on his head?"
Farmer replies " He's so damn clever, he know's I need an egg cup!!"

Don't be shy fellas, you gotta know some jokes over there you wanna share and make others laugh.....
So, Murphy goes to church, and the minister is really impressed and surprised to see him there.
After the sermon the minister approaches Murphy, and asks him why it is he found his way to church?
Murphy responds "Well father, I lost ma hat, and I know McGinty has one the same, and I know he would have to take it off when he got to church, so I planned to stay long enough to get throught the sermon, then I would leave before the hymn singing, and take the hat"
The minister replies "Well, I see you didn't take the hat, well done for seeing the error of your ways"
"I dunno 'bout that father, you see, when you were talking about the 10 commandments, I heard you say thou shalt not steal" replies Murphy, "but when you got to thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left it"!!!!

Now, c'mon you lot, lets get some more jokes going!!

OK
Here is one from me


Enjoy a good laugh!











These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..




______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

Sorry I'm a day late but here goes.

A man is watching a game of golf on cable TV. But he keeps switching channels to an X-rated movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"Man, they are really gettin' it on! I don't know whether to watch them or watch the game," he says to his wife.

"For Pete's sake, Dumbass," his wife says, "Watch them! You already know how to play golf!"

Well, it is here in NZ!!

Horse walks into a bar, and tells the barman he wants a gin and tonic, barman pours the drink, asks for the money, and asks "Why the long face?"

Two Irishmen sailing around in the Atlantic, when their boat sinks, they take to the only life boat they have, after a few minutes they decide to check out what they got on board, and find an old lamp, and a box of biscuits. One of the rubs the lamp, while the other one looks on, and a genie appears. Both of them are astounded, and the genie say's " I am the baddest meanest grumpiest Genie, you get one wish, hurry up, I haven't got all day, whaddaya want?"
The faster thinking of the two blurts out "Turn the ocean into Guinness" (Irish beer)
Genie does as he requests, laughs and vanishes.
The two Irishmen look at each other for a few seconds in astonishment, as they are indeed floating on an ocean of Guiness!!
Then the second Irishman turns to the first and say's "You f@#k%n idiot!! Now we have to piss in the boat!!"

I became quite confused when I heard the word "Service"

used with these agencies:

Revenue Canada 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Correctional ‘Service’ Canada
Customer 'Service'



This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

And sure enough today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had

hired a bull to 'service' his cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are

doing to us.


I am sure it it is the same all over.
Later Andrew

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'



--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'




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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
It that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
Of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

There is a bloke at a dance, and all night he has been walking around with a hand over his right eye, and he has been watching a woman who has been walking around with a hand over her mouth.
Finally they meet, and she asks him "Why do you have a hand over your eye?"
"I have a wooden eye" he replies, "I couldn't afford a ceramic one" he adds.
"Why do you have your hand over you mouth?" he asks the lady.
"Well, I have a deformed mouth, it runs vertically, and looks very odd" the lady replies.
"Well, how about we both drop our hands and talk together?" suggests the man.
"OK" she replies, "But don't laugh"
"I won't" he reasures her, so the both drop thier hands, and talk for a while, after a few drinks, the man asks "Would you like to dance?"
"Would I?!?!?" is her reply, to which he shouts "Don't call me wood eye c&nt face!!"

Probably not true but it may be based on some fragment of truth...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?



"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."





This is probably not what you were expecting!

HOW PUMPKINS ARE MADE!!!
LATER ANDREW

Two Red Cross workers turned up, and asked me if I wanted to contribute to the flooding in Pakistan, I told them my hose would only reach as far as the front gate.....

It has been a tough time for vampire bats, nothing much around to suck blood from, when one bat flies into the cave, covered in blood, and hangs himself on his roost to sleep. Instantly the other bats wake up, start sniffing the air and start a chorus " Where's the blood? Where's the blood? Where's the blood?"
The bat replies "Bugger off, I wanna sleep" "Awwww c'mon, where's the blood? Where's the blood? Where's the blood?" they all chant. "Sod off, I wanna sleep, leave me alone" is the reply "Where's the blood? Where's the blood? Where's the blood?" they continue.
"Ohhhhh, ok, follow me" replies the bat, and off the all go, out of the cave, through the forest, over a couple of hill and after a quater hour of flying he stops, and says' "See that tree?", "yeah, yeah yeah?!?!" the other bats chorus, "Well, I didn't!!" is the retort.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Big Game Hunter



A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about
his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed
the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the
drinks. So the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he
felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a
bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He
was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge
black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.. Where did I get this
black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed,
put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly
yelled, "Skunk. killed with an axe".

Indian lying on the ground, and a cowboy rides up to him and say's "wotcha doin injun?"
"Listinin'" is the reply
"Oh yeah? Listnin' to what?" asks the cowboy
"Wagon" replies the Indian
"What about the wagon?" asks the cowboy
"Pulled by one brown horse, one black horse, surly man driving, pretty woman sits next to man, kid in back a smart arse" mumbles the Indian
"Wow!! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?" exclaims the cowboy
"Nah" replies the indian, "ran me over half hour ago!!"

Guys at a Hunting Camp

Guys were at a hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first night John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.


The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”

He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was Garry’s turn. In the morning same thing...hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.


Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn’t sleep a wink. I just watched him all night.”

The third night was Herb’s turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.

The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him, said good night honey. He sat up and watched me all night long.“


Later Folks...

Good one dave.

Later Andrew

Abdul ties in a self detonated blast, and arrives in heaven. Upon his arrival, he is met by Muhammed, who greets him. Abdul asks "O great Muhammed, as I have done your bidding, and I am now in heaven, may I make a request?" Muhammed replies "What request do you have?" "Well, as I am only 18, and I spent all my life in terrorist training college, I would like my 72 virgins to be experienced, in fact, I am not experienced at all, I am a virgin, so I have no idea what to do, so I would like my virgins to be experienced, so I think I would rather have prostitutes!!" replies Abdul.
"Well" Muhammed replies "We don't always get what we want, you will get 72 virgins because you idiots keep blowing them up, what's more you will have to satisfy them in every way they demand, all the time, you will be a worn out wreck, there will be no time for recovery at all, it is your punishment for what you have done"
Abdul protests "How am I to satisfy a woman, when I have never been with one?"
Muhammed fires back "Who said anything about WOMEN?"

Several nuns in a convent decide the should paint the interior of their drab looking home. It's a really hot day and they decide that they might as well paint in the nude as there is nobody there but them. After a few hours the door bell rings and for a second they look at each other trying to decide who has to get dressed and go to the door. Finally one of them calls to the door asking who's there.

A voice outside replies. "Blind man."

Suddenly relieved, the nun who called out decides to just go to the door since the guy is blind and can't see her in the nude. She opens the door...

The guy standing there is carrying a box under his left arm and a clipboard in his right hand and says,"Nice rack lady, so where do you want these blinds?"

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between erran ds
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!

Later Andrew

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog after he savaged to death 3 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver.



For the last bloody time, he is NOT for sale!!

Well, it is here in NZ!! I missed the last two...I plain forgot about the joke....so hope these will make it up!!

Boy and father conversation:
"Dad, what's between mum's legs?"
"Paradise son!"
"What's between your legs then dad?"
"the key to paradise son!"
"then ya better change the lock, 'cause the neighbors got a copy of the key!!"

One night, a few miles out of Kilcharrankilly in Ireland Seans car breaks down, so he starts walking to town, suddenly the heavens open, and the rain pours down, Sean is muttering under his breath about cars and crap weather, looks up to the heavens and asks god "Why are you punishing me? I go to church every Sunday!!" Just then a car glides noislessly up next to him, no engine noise, it just glides up to him, there is not even a driver behind the wheel!! Sean decides it must be devine intervention, as the rain is getting heavier, he decides to get in, and the car moves off with it's new passenger. A corner looms, and although the car is not travelling fast, Sean is too paralised to do anything, suddenly a hand appears and the car makes the curve safely. After a few more kilometers the car arrives at a pub, and stops, Sean bolts out of the car and babbling and shaking he enters the pub, where he starts regailing all of the patrons with his tale of the ghost car!!
He has just finished the tale when tow very wet and tired Irishmen enter the pub, the first one in turns to him mate and say's "Look Paddy, theres that frikkin' Idiot that jumped in the car while we was pushin' it!!!!"