Darksider's Realm

(this is not a place for lazy video game freaks. We Darksiders have been around doing our thing for decades before the mindless couch blobs latched onto the term Darksider)



DARKSIDER In the world of automotive hobbyists a Darksider is one who modifies and or customizes any and all sorts of vehicles. The Darksiders are in a class of their own simply because they endeavor to be different and do things that others would not attempt for a number of reasons mostly being related to a lack of ability and fear of non conformity.

This is a forum for people who think outside the box in everything they do. It doesn’t matter if you are modifying or building from scratch. It doesn’t matter what brand or brands of vehicles or components you are using. It doesn’t matter if you are working on a mini car or a bus.

We will not be asking you for donations or any kind of monetary payments. We will be asking for help in terms moderators and encouraging you to spread the word and add to our membership.

Darksider's Realm

A message board & forum for automotive builders, fabricators and customizers who think outside the box.


    Friday joke.....

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    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    It's Friday here!!

    Post  kiwiford on Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:26 pm



    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope ..............
    the envlope contained ten dollars.

    The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed.
    The teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

    The little girl proudly replied,....

    "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness gracious,"

    said the teller,

    "and will you be working on the
    House again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied,

    "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
    Deliver the fxxxxx' sheet rock..."

    Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?















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    Darkside Dave
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    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  Darkside Dave on Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:51 pm


    Good One...


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    Darkside Dave
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    Location : Marietta, Ohio

    Not exactly a joke but...

    Post  Darkside Dave on Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:47 am


    I'm admittedly old school when it comes to writing anything, be it on paper, texting or e-mail. I don't phone text so I don't even know if you have a CAPS option on a phone. However I do get a lot of e-mail and I try to read some of the butcherd up stuff online. Quite frankly I sometimes have a hard time trying to figure out what in the hell people are trying to say. I can deal with some of the acronyms but the lack of capitolization and punctuation is one thing that really makes it cryptic. So, here is a little food for thought for you folks out there that are too lazy to make sense.


    Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

    The joke could be on you.

    Don't be a jack off...
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    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    Ok, I'm a coupla day's late.....

    Post  kiwiford on Sun Nov 28, 2010 5:46 pm

    C'mon guys, don't let this die out.....

    A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

    Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

    After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

    "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
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    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    Hi lift Jack

    Post  DL BOGART on Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:00 am

    Joe: My handyman jack got stolen out of my pickup last night! Moe: That's sure a bummer! Joe: Yah, the cops said there's been a rash of jacks stolen around here lately, and just how many do ya think he said were reported? Moe: I dunno, a cupla dozen I guess. Joe; pretty good guess, you're just a jack off....

    Blind man goes into a bar. Says hey did ya here about the blonde who...The bartender interupts him and says: Before you tell that joke I think I should tell you the guy sitting next to you is a karate' expert, and has killed 3 men with his bare hands. Oh, and he's also blonde. On the other side of you is a cute little gal, only about 5'3' and 102 pounds, also a black belt, and also blonde. Oh and me I just got out of prison for beatin' a guy to death in a bar fight over a joke, and I am also blonde....now are you sure you want to tell that joke? Blind man says nah, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times....

    And the guy who snores name is RON, he as an engine rebuild shop in Worland Wyoming, and his dog even finds somewhere else to sleep. He's too damn ugly to kiss goodnight so he can sit up wide awake, so I found a different huntin' buddy!!
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    58 ford

    Posts : 81
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    Age : 53
    Location : canada

    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  58 ford on Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:15 am



    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.


    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.


    The letter read:


    Dear God,


    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.


    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.


    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?


    Sincerely, Edna


    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.


    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman...


    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


    Christmas came and went.


    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.


    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


    It read:


    Dear God,


    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?


    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.


    By the way, there was $4 missing.


    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.


    Sincerely, Edna


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    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
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    Location : New Zealand

    It's FRIDAY.....

    Post  kiwiford on Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:56 pm

    1.

    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2.
    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an opticalAleutian .

    3.
    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..

    4.
    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6.
    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering

    7.
    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8.
    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9.
    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12.
    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13.
    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14.
    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15.
    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16.
    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17.
    A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.
    In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19.
    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.
    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    21.
    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'

    22.
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


    23.
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.
    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.
    There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.




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    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    ursus horribilus

    Post  DL BOGART on Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:04 am

    Grizzly bear walks into a bar, and orders a beer. Bartender says we don't serve bears beers in here. Bears says "if you don't serve me a beer I'll eat up one of your customers" With that he walks to the end of the bar and devours a woman sitting there. Thene he orders another beer. The bartenders says "we don't serve beers to bears, and we don't serve drug addicts either! Bear says "I'm no drug addict!! Bartenders says "That was a bar bitch you ate!"

    Went in a bar the other day, and there was a horse in the corner, with a sign which read: If you can make this horse laugh the bar will pay you $100.00. so I went over and whispered in the horses ear, and he bagan to laugh uncontrolably. I went to the bartender and collected my $100.00. went back in a week later and the horse is still laughing, now the sign says : Make the horse stop laughing and win $100.00. so I went over by the horse for a minute, then he started crying. When I went to collect my second c-note the barkeep asked for an explanation. I told him it's really quite simple, to make him laugh I told him I was more well endowed than he, and to make him cry I showed him!!

    It goes without saying that it was a miniture horse!!
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    Darkside Dave
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    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  Darkside Dave on Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:15 am


    OK Guys...

    Those were a couple of good ones.
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    58 ford

    Posts : 81
    Join date : 2009-06-21
    Age : 53
    Location : canada

    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  58 ford on Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:09 pm

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Adult Riddles

    Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

    A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?

    A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What's the height of conceit?

    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

    A. Because it's worth it!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What is a Yankee?

    A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

    A. They both like a tight seal.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

    A. About three inches.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

    A. The grip.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

    A. It's not hard.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

    A: 45 pounds.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

    A: 45 minutes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A . They don't have balls to scratch!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








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    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    ultimate rejection

    Post  DL BOGART on Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:11 pm

    Ole Pete suffered the ultimate rejection the other day, went to whack off and his hand fell asleep!!
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    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTSSSSSS Friday!!

    Post  kiwiford on Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:49 pm

    Ok, this woman goes to the doctor, and he says to her, "You have been beaten to a pulp, what has happened?"
    She replies "Well, everytime my husband comes home from the pub, drunk, he does this to me"
    "Hmmmm" says the doctor "next time he comes home, make a nice cup of tea, and drink it until he goes to bed, everytime you want to speak, drink the tea, and that will fix it"
    "Okay, I don't know, but you are the doctor, so I will try it" the woman replies.
    A few weeks later the doctor spies the woman in a supermarket, and against his ethics, askes her how things are going at home, she responds "Wonderful, as soon as my husband get home, I boil the jug and drink some nice green tea, and he hasn't touched me!!" she enthusiases, then asks "how does the tea help?"
    The doctor replies "It gives your mouth something else to do, so by keeping it full and quiet it keeps you out of trouble!!" lol! lol!
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    DL BOGART

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    Location : wyoming

    conciet

    Post  DL BOGART on Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:18 am

    An exceptionaly conceited man was doin the wild thang with an equaly concieted woman who exclaimed: "My, aren't I tight?" to which he replied; "NO just full."
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    58 ford

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    Location : canada

    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  58 ford on Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:30 pm





    This relates to the higher level learning that is happening in our schools these days.

    A teacher's story about Stuttering

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says


    A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
    asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
    and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
    and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
    'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
    'It sure was,' said the little girl.

    'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
    but before she could say 'F>#$%-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
    The teacher had to leave the room. lol!




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    kiwiford

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    Location : New Zealand

    Double whammy!!

    Post  kiwiford on Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:13 pm

    Well, it's Friday, and Christmas eve all in one here in NZ, that also means I will be opening presents before you guys!!
    Ok, 2 jokes this week, and have a great Christmas all!!

    A Day in the Life of the Police

    Police quotes:

    "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

    "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    "The answer to this last question will determine whether
    you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

    "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

    "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    "Just how big were those two beers?

    "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Caught for speeding

    The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
    The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Stuck under a bridge

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Dealing with trouble

    A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
    The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Mohammed Ali too.

    Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

    The giant nodded.

    "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

    Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

    "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

    "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    I'm going to a lecture

    The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
    and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by
    policeman.

    "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

    "I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

    "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
    "My wife." said the man.



    MEMORANDUM

    From: Bin Laden, Osama

    To: Team Mates

    Subject: The Cave

    Hi guys,

    We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really
    come together as a group and I love that.

    Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is
    no 'I' in team" as well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There,
    Baby." Very humorous.

    However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take
    care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

    First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise
    missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in
    our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation,(a health and
    safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my
    bit on the cleaning rota...........have you?

    I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next
    to the halal toaster).

    Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm
    trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that
    while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the
    background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Just while we're
    taping. Thanks.

    Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote
    "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my
    Dairylea Slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

    Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must
    distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball game. Please
    do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" every time I ride past on
    the donkey.

    Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in
    disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.

    I want to set up patrols to look for them.

    First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.

    Love you lots, Group Hug.

    Os.

    PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed
    sheets - Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.






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    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    Police

    Post  DL BOGART on Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:44 am

    A cop zooms out from behind a billboard and pulls over this gal for speeding, and asks what's your hurry? She says I'm late for work at the hospital. He sees her uniform, which makes the story plausible, so he says just what do you do there? She replies "Oh I'm a rectum dialator". And just what does a rectum dialator do? "Oh i stick in one finger after donning my latex gloves of course, then One on the other hand, then 2 on each etc. 'til I get both hands in, then i keep working until I get it stretched out 'til I can easily walk through with about 5" to spare over my head." Okay then what do you do with a six foot asshole? "Oh I give it a radar gun and hide it behind a billboard."
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    58 ford

    Posts : 81
    Join date : 2009-06-21
    Age : 53
    Location : canada

    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  58 ford on Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:36 pm

    Laughing
    In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

    One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer.

    I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

    There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Nottingham but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

    You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

    Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ..."I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

    The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said that we would love to but our hose pipe reaches only as far as the bottom of the garden.



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    DL BOGART

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    porsche

    Post  DL BOGART on Wed Jan 05, 2011 11:49 pm

    Know the difference between a cactus and a porsche? A cactus has its' pricks on the outside!! :
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    58 ford

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    Location : canada

    Re: Friday joke.....

    Post  58 ford on Sat Jan 15, 2011 3:02 pm











    Subject: Visit From Revenue Canada




    Visit From REVENUE CANADA TAXATION



    At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

    While the Revenue Canada agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,

    "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

    "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then

    they send us a free box of bandages."


    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

    But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

    "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and

    send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
    "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.

    "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Canada Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."












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    DL BOGART

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    revenue inspector

    Post  DL BOGART on Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:38 am

    I take exception to that one because after all, a prick is part of a man, and these guys are no part of a man!
    avatar
    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    I know, I'm a couple days late...I forgot about it!!

    Post  kiwiford on Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:49 pm

    Corporate Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Corporate Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

    It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Corporate Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Corporate Lesson 4:

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

    The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

    A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

    Corporate Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullsh�t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




    avatar
    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    dimmer switch

    Post  DL BOGART on Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:54 pm

    The fed govt. has scheduled a recall of all cars with turn signal mounted dimmer switches and retrofittong of floor mounted switches due to the ever increasing number of head-on collisiona caused when blonds get their high heels entangled in the steering wheel when attempting to dim for oncoming traffic.
    avatar
    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    Yup, that time of the week folks.....

    Post  kiwiford on Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:46 am

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello."

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
    We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
    Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
    We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

    If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him



























    avatar
    DL BOGART

    Posts : 55
    Join date : 2010-11-05
    Location : wyoming

    another bar joke

    Post  DL BOGART on Fri Feb 18, 2011 11:30 pm

    Guy walks into a bar and says....... Damn that hurt!!
    avatar
    kiwiford

    Posts : 60
    Join date : 2010-06-27
    Location : New Zealand

    I forgot about the thread....ooooooppppsssss

    Post  kiwiford on Sun Feb 20, 2011 5:11 am


    Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.


    The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime
    Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
    to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
    neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

    Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians
    said, "Oh, Grow up!"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
    Radiologists could see right through it.

    The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands
    of the whole thing.

    The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

    The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
    Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
    pissed off at the whole idea.

    The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
    Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
    to the a***holes in London ...



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